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Pip’s Late Night Adventure

Pip

At 11:20ish last night I was in bed, reading and I heard the cats TEARING through the house. Every owner of multiple cats (or a single, hyper cat) knows the sound – claws RIPPING across the carpet. I didn’t think anything of this, as Pip and Mostly can chase each other through the house for hours. But then I heard BANG! BANGTHUD. I grabbed my glasses and got up to investigate. When I opened my door, Indy was in the hallway looking freaked. Kelly came out of her room a few seconds later and saw Pandora behind me, also looking spooked. Mostly and Pip were nowhere to be seen. This is weird, because the second Kelly or I are out of our rooms, there are there are 1-3 cats following our every move. (And Pandora is not one of those.)

We checked the living room… nothing
Kelly checked the kitchen… nothing
I checked the bathroom… nothing
I checked my room… nothing

While I was in my room, I heard a little muffled meow. I told Kelly to come in, then made her stand perfectly still and listen, but of course it didn’t happen again. So, we kept looking.

Our apartment is small; there aren’t really that many hiding spots. As we were looking, Mostly suddenly appeared (seriously, like out of thin air) looking TERRIFIED. She doesn’t have a tail, but the rest of her was all puffed up and her eyes were WILD, but still no Pip.

Right about here is when I started to solidly freak out, because Mostly looked insane and the only time Pip has ever hidden was the day he ripped his entire claw out and hid under the couch for two hours afterwards.

Kelly shook the treats and dumped some on the floor which ALWAYS gets Pip to run into the room. Nothing.

We kept looking and I heard the muffled meow again. Kelly said, “I think that’s Indy.” This is plausible because Indy is what you would call a loud mouth. If your sentence ends in anything remotely sounding like a question, he feels the need to answer. So, as we’re both wandering around calling “Piiiiipsteeeer…”, it was believable that Indy could have been answering us.

But then I heard the meow from the opposite side of the house. I went into the kitchen and called “Piiiiipsteeeer”. Immediately, I heard the meow.

“NO,” I said, “It’s coming from in HERE. He’s in HERE.” There are about three places to hide in the kitchen so I looked inside the litter boxes, behind the pantry/baker’s rack, I even opened a cabinet as if Pip opened it, strolled in, closed the door behind him, and then got scared. Nothing. All the while, Pip meowed every time we called his name.

I followed the sound until I stood next to the window, which was open, but OBVIOUSLY he couldn’t be outside… And then I saw that the screen was gone and the window was just a giant, gaping hole. I looked out the window to see the entire screen laying on the balcony… and there is Pip. He looked TERRIFIED – his eyes were so big, you couldn’t even see the color, just black. His tail was puffed up to literally three times its usual size. He was just standing there, like he was frozen.

So here I am, 11:30 at night, in my pajamas, leaning out the kitchen window trying to grab my grown cat by the scruff so I can drag him back into the house. Unfortunately, I couldn’t reach him. I didn’t want to open the balcony door because I didn’t want to startle him, and since we NEVER use the balcony, it’s partially blocked by storage cabinets.

Kelly and I are called out to him for several seconds while I pawed at him like some enraged bear… and finally Kelly started to climb out of the window (in hindsight, our new windows open so widely that I could’ve climbed out but I guess I’ve just got it in my head that I don’t fit through windows, so I didn’t even try. This frustrates me looking back on it because I WOULD HAVE GLADLY climbed through that window to grab him). As she starts to climb out, I backed up and kept calling his name and making the “pss pss” sound he responds to… when all of the sudden, he jumped up into the window.

Kelly grabbed him and I slammed the window (nice teamwork, actually). Poor Pip was so freaked that he dug all four paws (18 claws) in to Kelly – her chest and arm are all torn up and bruised from it. He calmed down pretty quickly, actually, but Mostly was terrified, trying to hide for a good 10 minutes afterwards.

Seriously, I know it’s a cat, but it was one of the most terrifying moments of my life! Very uncharacteristically, I stayed pretty calm during the entire fiasco, but once he was inside, eating treats with a normal-sized tail, I burst into tears. Today I keep running these horrible scenarios through my head about what could’ve happened, especially because I heard him LONG before we found him, which (if we’re being honest) also makes me feel like shit.

This may sound dramatic, but I just can’t get his scared little face out of my head or the vision of Mostly frantically looking for some place to hide. She tried to hide on a shelf of the entertainment center, behind the PS4.

I’ve said this many times and I will say it again, in writing: Why do people say “never a dull moment” like it’s a good thing? I CRAVE dull moments.

4th Annual 31 Horror Movies in October (2014)

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Rosie Day as Angel in The Seasoning House

01) The Seasoning House: I wouldn’t actually classify this as a horror movie, other than one or two fairly gory scenes. It’s more of a thriller with disturbing content. The Netflix synopsis was WAY off (something about “The only thing that can save them is what’s hidden in the walls that trap them.”); it’s actually about human sexual slavery. It was very well acted and suspenseful so, if you’re up for that heavy of a subject, I do recommend it.

02) Apartment 1303: Truly, truly awful. The timelines made no sense, the characters were completely unbelievable and unlikeable, and there are scenes where it’s obvious that something was edited out that was pivotal to the scene. It’s not even a “it’s so bad, it’s good” thing. It’s just bad.

03) Oculus: I liked Oculus a lot. It was really creepy, had lots of good jumps, had a really unique concept, and kept me on my toes. It did leave me with a few questions, but nothing I couldn’t deal with.

04) The Returned: This was WAY better than I expected. There are only a couple of real zombie scenes, it’s more so a drama/thriller outside of that, but I recommend it if you like zombie movies that are more about the survivors/world in general.

05) The Haunting of Helena: Eh. It wasn’t TERRIBLE but it certainly wasn’t great. I have a tooth thing so a couple of scenes really got to me, but if you’re not horribly afraid of the tooth fairy, I think this would be pretty dull.

06) Barricade: Oh, Will Truman. Why? I thought I was going to like it: trapped in a snow storm? It’s like The Shining, what could go wrong? Well, a lot. I have no idea what happened. At all.

07) Toad Road: This one frustrated me. 1) So much wiener in the first few minutes. 2) I could barely tell a couple of the actors apart and they only call like 2 people by their names so I couldn’t even differentiate them that way. 3) The idea was great and creepy but it just NEVER got there. 4) I have no idea what happened. I just DON’T KNOW. If someone watches this and gets it, PLEASE explain it to me.

08) Wishmaster: Kelly and I hadn’t seen this. I was expecting horrible 90’s and it did deliver that, but it actually stood up pretty well for being 17 years old. If you like older cult horror movies, this is a decent one.

09) Dark Touch: Really different and very sad. I liked it but it was tough to watch at parts; it deals with really sensitive subject matter (no spoilers here).

10) Slaughterhouse: I saw this movie when I was 8 and I’ve had a weird fear/hate/love for pigs ever since. I decided to re-watch it to see if it’s as terrifying as I remembered, and it actually kind of is. As a horror movie, it’s awful. But as something that scarred me as a kid, the parts that terrified me or disturbed me still terrify and disturb me. Kelly just kept saying, “NO WONDER!” and “This explains so much.”

11) 7 Below: Had I known Val Kilmer was in this, I wouldn’t have chosen it. To give you an indication of what we thought of this movie, we went to bed with 40 minutes left and finished it 2 days later. It didn’t make sense (they reference this TERRIBLE storm yet show a shot of the sky with zero clouds and a glowing moon, etc) and it was pretty terribly acted.

Olivia Cooke as Jane Harper in The Quiet Ones
Olivia Cooke as Jane Harper in The Quiet Ones

12) The Quiet Ones: LOVED THIS. I don’t think I’ve ever jumped more at a movie; I must’ve jumped 10 times. It was creepy, well acted, had some interesting turns, and didn’t overdo it with the “found footage” aspect. I definitely recommend this one.

13) The Sacrament: It’s Eli Roth so I was expecting something shocking and disturbing… but I wasn’t prepared for this. Through the entire movie, I kept thinking I had a handle on things, but I really didn’t. I personally wouldn’t classify this as “horror”. There are a couple of shocking, graphic scenes but it’s more of a drama to me. I had read a lot of people said it was slow, but I like a movie that takes its time building towards something, so long as the climax is worth it, and this was.

14) April Fool’s Day: Another one that scared me as a kid, but this one did NOT have the staying power to scare me like Slaughterhouse. It’s a decent 80’s (it came out in 1990 but OMG THE HAIR. It’s 80’s.) slasher flick.

15) Stephen King’s It: Definitely scarier than I remembered, even with the 2-3 HORRIBLE claymation/CGI scenes.

16) The Bell Witch Haunting: This movie pissed me off. It would’ve actually been pretty decent (a few good jumps, interesting locations, etc) but the editing was AWFUL. AWFUL. Timelines skip around all over the place, a bandage suddenly appears on the dad’s arm but it’s not for 20 minutes that he actually gets the cut, and on and on and on. It’s like nobody actually watched the finished product.

17) The Blair Witch Project: I hadn’t seen this in years, I think I’ve only watched it once since I saw it in the theaters. As expected, still scary.

18) Paranormal Asylum: I should’ve listened to Tommy and Kelly when they told me never, ever to watch this POS. But I didn’t. And they were right. Total POS: horrible acting, atrocious make up, unlikable characters. The only somewhat redeeming quality is that the lead actor is hot.

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+1

19) +1: This is one of my favorite so far. It’s really different and cool. Not something that’ll keep you up at night, but I definitely recommend it.

20) Pumpkinhead: This movie scared the hell out of me as a kid and I have to say that, for a movie that was made 26 years ago, it stands up! The creature make up alone is worth a watch; Greg Nicotero of The Walking Dead fame is part of the make up crew.

21) Cabin Fever: I saw this years ago and really, really loved it. On re-watch, I didn’t like it AS much – it’s a lot more… I don’t know, filler? than I remember. Eli Roth’s cameo(s), the weird kid at the gas station, etc. Aside from that, though, it’s a solid, gross (in the good way) virus movie.

22) Munger Road: DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT watch this! It was JUST getting good when “TO BE CONTINUED” flashed across the screen. A quick Google search told us that Munger Road is the first in a two-part series, the second half of which never got released.

23) 28 Days Later: I’d seen this years ago and absolutely LOVED it. I think I’m getting soft in my old age, because it was way more brutal than I remembered. Still great, just don’t call it a zombie movie. The infected are not zombies.

24) Poltergeist: This really stands up to the test of time. There are a couple of scenes where the effects are painfully out of date, but other than that, DEFINITELY still scary.

25) Poltergeist II: I thought I’d only seen the first one as a kid, but after finishing the first, there were still two things I remembered: braces and worm. It wasn’t until we were a few minutes into the movie, when Carol Ann was drawing a picture of a super creepy old dude, that I remembered Kane. I immediately got goose bumps and demanded Kelly turn it off. I had completely blocked ever seeing it, most likely because Kane is truly chilling. She didn’t turn it off, of course, and I can still hear his voice in my head. Ugh, chills.

26) Poltergeist III: Woof. They should have stopped at II.

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Melanie Papalia as Elizabeth Benton in The Den

27) The Den: Yes! Loved this! An interesting, unique spin on found footage, decent gore effects, SEVERAL good jumps. This was in my top 3 for the month.

28) Entity: The first 2 minutes of the movie are definitely the scariest part. After that, nothing special – half found footage movies are tough.

29) Torment: While it was definitely creepy, had a couple of solid jumps, but it’s very The Strangers-esque and only The Strangers can do The Strangers. I think my love for Katharine Isabelle (Ava Wilson in Supernatural) helped.

30) Alien Abduction: I was REALLY surprised at how much Kelly and I both liked this. It’s a found footage, so whether that’s your thing or not, I’m not sure… but it’s a fairly interesting take on it, and alien movies (when done right) are so creepy.

31) The Exorcist: I didn’t see The Exorcist until last year. I expected some cheesy 70’s movie with horrible effects. Let me tell you: The Exorcist holds up. We chose it as our last horror movie for this October and it was a great choice.

I give such good advice.

I gave some really good advice today, guys. I told a co-worker that the best way to rid yourself of a fear of public speaking is to do something horribly mortifying just before you’re set to speak. That way, public speaking is a breeze!

Years ago, I got a job working at a furniture store. It was mundane office work which has always been my jam, so I was pumped. I still remember what I was wearing on that first day (my brownish/gray wide-legged dress pants and a V-neck pink shirt with 3/4 sleeves. Hot.), and even how I styled my hair (make-do French twist with a butterfly clip, of course).

Early in the day, before I’d met anyone but the office staff, I was leaning backwards in my chair to say something to a co-worker across the office… when suddenly, my chair tipped back just a bit too far. You know the feeling: ice in your veins, heart skips a beat, death is imminent. Life flashing before my eyes, in typical Kat fashion, I completely spaz out – pinwheel my arms, kick up my feet, half scream. Looking back on this 10+ years later, I firmly believe that if I were a more graceful kind of person, I would’ve recovered and the office staff would have had a nice, quiet, office-appropriate chuckle. However, my middle name is Michelle and not Grace, so my spasticity was my demise and caused my entire chair not just to flip over backwards/sideways… no, but also put so much inertia behind the chair that when it fell, it ejected me. I rolled and rolled until the top third of my body was in the adjacent break room.

Did I mention there was a morning sales meeting going on in the adjacent break room? So the adjacent break room was full of salespeople I had yet to meet. Oh, I didn’t mention it? Well, there was a morning sales meeting going on in the adjacent break room, so the adjacent break room was full of salespeople I had yet to meet. The woman (whose name I can’t even remember now) running the meeting giggled once but everyone else stared at me in complete stunned silence.

I picked myself up, looked at them, and said the only thing running through my mind.

“Hi. I’m the new girl.”

From that day forward, nothing about that job ever stressed me out. An angry customer? Please. I flipped my chair over on my first day. Snobby co-worker? C’mon. The first thing a dozen salespeople saw of me was the top of my head as it came barreling through the break room doorway.

So, you see, this was advice I gave was very sincere and I meant every word of it.